Job jokes

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

They say “Dress for the job you want.”

How do I dress like a blow job?

Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants.

Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.

Subway is a lot like prostitution.

You're paying someone else to do your wife's job.

I'd kill to be a mortician

That way I'd always have a job

Why can't you compare Donald Trump with Steve Jobs

That'll be like comparing apples and oranges

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

My job sent me to a sexual harassment seminar last week...

And now, I'm thinking I'm gonna be pretty good at it.

Happy Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware...

... it was a whisk I was willing to take.

I had to quit my job at the Coca-Cola carbonation factory.

It was just soda pressing.

Yesterday, in a job interview, the guy asked me if I could perform under pressure.

I said no, but, I would give Bohemian Rapsody a go.

Boss shows up at a job site

Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"

Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

Job Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I guess my biggest weakness is I am not always a good listener

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

What's the manliest job a man could do?

Mail man.

NSFW, what do you call phone sex on an iPhone?

A Steve job.