Job jokes

I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died

In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"

Paddy got a job as a lumberjack

but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?

ME: When's the right time to ask a girl for anal?

INTERVIEWER: I meant; do you have any questions about the job.

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay, I got a yob!"

I heard the titanic got a new job...

She sells sea shells down by the sea floor.

I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.

What's it called when an Asian man gives his best friend head?

A bro job.

Special Hand Job

Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics...

You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better...

Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies.

For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

Don’t be ashamed of who you are .

That's your famlies job.

If some part of your job feels utterly pointless, remember

Putin campaigned for the 2018 elections.

What is the difference between a wife and a job??

**Job still sucks after 10pm. ;)**

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

“I want you to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “£200 and it’s yours.”

Why didn't the polite coder get hired?

The job required SASS

Three men book into a busy ski lodge

So they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job." Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream." Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!"

My friend got hired at a dildo factory

He got fired the very next day for sitting on the job

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!