Kid jokes

When I was a kid...

... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.

What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: "Kids,what does the little chicken give you?" Student: "Eggs!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the squealy pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"

Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?

Me: No, I’m sure most kids smell that way.

A kid is selling lemonade...

The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade. "25 cents", says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢... Maybe lemonade stands aren’t your thing."

"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

Sex Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting.

I wonder what he's up to these days.

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

My wife and I have been arguing about whether we want kids

Our son is taking it really hard

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

A boy walks in on his dad masturbating.

The boy, curious asks him, "Dad, what are you doing?"

The father replies, "This is called masturbating, and pretty soon you will be doing it also."

The kid, puzzled, asks, "How do you know that?"

The father goes "Because my arm is getting tired."

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

“Fucking kids are expensive”, I said

“Is”, my lawyer replied.

I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test...

...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."

Why are abortion clinics like a trip to Chuck E Cheese?

It brings out the kid in you

A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.

After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.

The father asks his kid “what’s the matter son?”

The kid replies “where are all the clowns that you say you work with?”

What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors and a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”