Oh deer...
One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.
Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for dinner...
Son - "mmmm smells good ma., what is it?"
Wife - "I'll give you a hint. It's what I call your father all the time."
Daughter - "SPIT IT OUT BILLY., IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!"
I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.
Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?
My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.
The joke. Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.
Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"
Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"
Son: "Moooooooo!!!!" Then bursts into loud laughter.
Love this kid!
I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.
Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.
I told my son to stop playing russian roulette
But you know how it is with these kids; In one ear, out the other.
What's the kid friendly term for Bukkake?
Baby-shower
As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children.
Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward.
Apple wanted to make a smaller ipod just for kids...
But they decided that Itouch Kids wouldn't be an appropriate name.
A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.
The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”
“You.”
I told my kid to not open the door for anyone while I’m not home
Now I’m stuck outside
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
how do you know you are a real redneck?
you let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.
What's an Anti-Vaxxer kids favorite game?
Half Life
Fatherhood
A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.
Four kids walk into an interview. One is American, one is British, one is African, and one is Chinese. The interviewer asks them all the same question: "In your own opinion, what do you think of the scarcity of food in other countries?" The British kid asks "What is scarcity?" The American kid asks "What are other countries?" The African kid asks "What is food?" And the Chinese kid asks "What is my own opinion?"
If you open a camp to help kids that have ADHD...
Does it count as a concentration camp?
Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.
Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.
"Why son?" The dad asks. "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."
My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...
Then I saw her face.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.