A kid asks his dad, "Dad, what is sex?"...
The dad is shocked. He goes into an internal struggle of whether to scold him or to tell him. Finally he decides to tell him and gives the kid the most eloquent explanation of sex complete with foreplay techniques and sex positions. The kid frowns after he's done and asks "So what do I put on the school admission form?"
what's worse then three kids in a dumpster...
One kid in three dumpsters
Kids may be a gift.....
But I like playing with the box it came in.
Harry Potter: "Hermoine, I'm gay"
Hermione: "Are you kidding?" Harry: "No, I'm fucking Sirius"
My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids.
That's just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.
As a kid I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...
...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa
Because they make the gifts
Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike.
What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.
Topless carwash
So these kids in school are trying to find new ways to raise money. They suggest a few ideas, all of which are shot down by their teacher. Finally a kid says ‘I get it! We should do a topless carwash!’
Very carefully, the teacher asks: ‘what do you mean?’
The kid says, ‘well, we can’t reach the roofs of the cars, so we will just do the sides and the front and back’
A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...
He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.” Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.” He was right, I did laugh.
Good Kid!
A father had a rather dim-witted son. One day, the son came home from school. His father asked him, "How was school, son?" His son replied, "Great dad! My teacher asked a question, and only I could answer!" His father was overjoyed. He probed, "Good kid! What was the question?"
His son replied, "She asked, 'Who farted?' "
Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were
I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids
Why was the dyslexic kid kicked out of the movie theater?
He kept asking where to buy cop porn.
I have a great joke about social anxiety.
Who am I kidding? You'll hate it.
What do you call it when a kid teaches their parents?
Learning from your mistakes.
A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.
I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!