Kid jokes

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to the family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed pretty upset.

What is a good slogan for an abortion clinic?

Don’t kid yourself

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

Teacher: how do you spell ‘crocodile’

Kid: K-R-O-K-I-D-I-A-L.

Teacher: no, that’s wrong.

Kid: no, I’m right. Other people might spell it differently but you asked how I spell it.

Yay got a PS5 for my kid.

She cried a bit when I left but I'm sure her new parents will love her.

A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having

Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."

Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: "OH. MY. GODDD !!!!"

As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

Why can't kids watch the orchestra?

To much sax and violins

I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart

But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

When my kid is upset I let her colour my tattoo!

She just needs a shoulder to Crayon

My wife and I decided we only want one kid.

Now we just need to figure out a way to let the other one know she has to go.

Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up son. It's time to got to school!" "But mom, I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why." "Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!" "That's no reason. Come now get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go?" "Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

A man had a portal to a secret world in his house

Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm. But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.

Only 2010's kids will get this...

Measles

Stephen Hawking walked into a bar. Just kidding. :(

Stephen Hawking is such a bad role model for our kids. He only ever looks one way when crossing the street.