A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"
Birthdays are great...
... but too many of them will kill you.
I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"
Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind
How does a transgender ninja kill people?
They/them.
Black man kills conservative politician!
The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.
Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.
He's a terrible nurse.
Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.
I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”
I find abortion to be a difficult topic.
On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.
Where is the best place to hide after killing someone?
Behind a badge..
Wife asked me what am I doing
Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet
News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said
Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days
What's the difference between Trump and Hitler?
Hitler had the decency to kill himself after he lost.
Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM
(George Michael)
A little boy kills a butterfly.
Dad says : "No butter for you for a week!"
The little boy then kills a honeybee.
Dad says : "No honey for you for a week!"
Mom kills a cockroach.
The little boy asks : "Are you going to tell her or should I say it for you?"
Why did the chicken kill itself ?
To get to the other side.
