Kill jokes

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

My dad was a WWII veteran.

During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis.

Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily

What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..?

Kill Bill.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?

A pool table

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...

Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However poison IV would make you really itchy.

Did you hear about the librarian that was killed in an earthquake?

She was crushed by a title wave.

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

Heart-Attacks are overrated

I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?