Kill jokes

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.

0 Kills

0 Assist

7 Deaths

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The Suspence"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.

So I poisoned his cookies. But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.

The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”

The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.”

The owner is shocked and confused: “Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?”

The man replied: “I’m trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.”

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

A Priest and a Prostitute

One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner.

Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"

The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

A gamer dies and goes to hell...

After one week, the devil goes to God:

\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"

President George W. Bush is sitting in his office...

...When one of his informants walks in to report, "Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed by Al Qaeda." Bush is silent for a moment as he holds his head in his hands in immense sadness. "Sir, what's wrong?" asks the informant. Bush brings his head up to look at the man and asks, "How many is a Brazilian, exactly?"

As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...

Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.

Interesting crowd. Nsfw

A zoophiliac a necrophiliac a pyromaniac and a masochist are trying to find something to do.

First the zoophiliac says; -"let's find a cat and we can rape him", to which the necrophiliac responds; -"yes then we can kill it and rape him again", then the pyromaniac says; -"yes then we can burn him"

And finally the masochist says; - "meow".

A pun walks into a room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

Don't drive like my brother...

I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."

My wife left her bra on the floor of our bedroom. It almost killed me when I tripped over it this morning.

Stupid boobie traps.