Like jokes

I'm like a credit card.

I'm always being used or denied.

I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.

Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

My daughter told me to treat her like a princess...

so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."

My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"

I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked.

Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.

Why was Nikola Tesla a fan of Marvel?

Because he didn't like DC...

Enough is Enough!

No like seriously they're the same word.

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"

Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day

Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?

Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace

Poor man - why a necklace ?

Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?

Poor man - a pair of slippers and a dildo

Rich man - why a dildo?

Poor man - so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

Don't be ashamed of you don't know the definition of the word 'esoteric'

Only a small number of people are likely to understand.

Thinking of changing my name to “Authorized Personnel”

Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.

An Englishman is sitting on a train when he overhears a loud conversation between two Italians...

First, Emma cum, then I cum... then two asses, they come together, then I cum again. Then the two asses, they come together again, then I cum... pee twice, then I cum again!

“Excuse me” says the Englishman. “In this country it’s very inappropriate to be talking about sex in public like that!”

The Italian guy is confused “what sex? I’m telling my friend how to spell a Mississippi!”

STDs are a lot like Pokemon...

It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.

I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.

Day 584 without sex.

Went jogging in flip flops just to remind me what it sounds like..

What's orange and sounds like a parrot

A carrot

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.