Like jokes

Family

My family is like a treasure... You need a map and a shovel to find them.

Doctor

"The doctor said that I should touch myself whenever I feel like it."

"No, Dave. He said you could have a stroke at any time."

A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...

The rich guy, making small talk, goes

"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"

The poor guy goes:

"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the pantyhose, she can go fuck herself."

(Thanks Dad.)

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

Marijuana

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

Wife

I took the wife to a disco last night.....

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"

Organ

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie “Cars” is called “Radiator Springs”.

It would be like if we called a city “Liver Pool”.

Women

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.

Bus

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder...

An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”

I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, “Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?”

She replied, “I only like the chocolate around them.”

Doctor

Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Sounds like a really bad case of parking sons disease.

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The Suspence"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

Gynecologist

How many gynecologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'm asking because mine had to call like six other guys in to help him, and I'm really starting to wonder why I needed one installed down there in the first place.

Son

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Mummy

A mummy calls a restaurant.

• Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.

•Could you spell it out, please?

•Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

Horse

An Amish Woman

Amish woman(riding a horse and buggy) gets pulled over because reflector on her buggy is broken.. cop says, “you might want to have your husband look at your reflector” He notices a rope wrapped around the horse’s balls...”and ma’am, some folks might find that rope offensive”. The lady later makes it home and tells her husband about the event. “cop says the reflector is busted... and he didn't like the emergency brake neither”