An old lady Offers the bus driver some peanuts to which he happily eats....
Every five minutes she gives him more peanuts... Driver: why don't you eat them yourself? Old lady: I can't chew I have no teeth look! Driver: Then why do you buy them? Old lady: Oh I just like the chocolate around them.
A guy wanks into a bar.
He sees two stunningly beautiful blondes and says,
"Hey, barman, two beers for the ladies."
One of the ladies turns to the guy and asks.
"I think you're wasting your time, sir. We're lesbians."
"What's that?" asks the guy.
"It means we only like to have sex with women" the girl responds.
To which the guy retorts: "Hey barman, three beers for us lesbians."
Just saw a sheep fight a cow
Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood
I got a free iPad and iPhone today.
It's like... this gun is magic!!!
My mother has a thick Russian accent...
... and as such it makes some of her words and phrases sound odd.
For instance "want" sounds like "vant."
Or take "talk..." it sounds like "tak"
The best example is when she tries to say "I love you" and it comes out sounding like "you're a fucking disappointment."
Two goats are eating garbage
The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.
When he's done, the second one asks, "how did you like the movie?"
The first one responds, "it was OK, but I liked the book better."
At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.
At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.
At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.
At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
At 58 a woman is like Australia, everyone knows it's down there but nobody gives a damn.
NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy
In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!
Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....
Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?
Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?
A red bucket.
Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?
A red bucket in disguise.
My 8 year old son...the comedian.
Where is my wife
A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store. Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife. Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife. Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like? Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.
How is Santa like Bill Cosby?
Neither will come if you're awake.
I was walking by a car filled with bIack people and as I came near they locked the door. I felt like such a badass
Then I realized that it was my car..
What begins with “M” and ends in “arriage” and is a mans favorite thing?
A miscarriage That Joke never gets old just like the baby
When my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant I started crying in despair
I know too well what is it like to grow without a father ...
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?
Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.
Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.
Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?
Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”
Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
I like my women like I like my Uranium-235
Self-destructive, toxic, and decaying on the inside
I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
For an old man's 98th birthday,
his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Grampa says "Since I aint had a hard on in 10 yrs, I guess I'll have to settle for the soup"