I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous
For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?
Why is the British weather like Islam?
Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...
...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Hello, I'd like a hamburger please."
The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."
The man apologizes, then whispers ^"I'd ^like ^a ^hamburger ^please."
A plane is about to crash
A female passenger gets up and frantically announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "here iron this."
Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.
You know Harry's going to be in it.
(credit sickipedia)
How does a cat like its steak cooked...
Raaaaaaaare.
I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.
What did Kim Jon Un say when his father died?
Looks like his Korea is over
So there was a monk...
This particular monk could only eat garlic for his religious diet, which made him EXTREMELY weak, and also gave him bad breath. Also, like most other monks he wore no shoes, which gave him many callouses. This made him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."
The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...
...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.
Momma always said police are like a box of chocolates...
They'll kill your dog.
BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth
After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.
After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.
"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,
"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."
A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon
She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..
“I know what you’re about to do !”
“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”
The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy...
trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping off this ledge!”
The guy gets fed up and walks away..
“Where you going ?” asks the lady?
“I’m just gonna go wait for you at the bottom...”
Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." SMACK! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie SMAACK! She slapped Suzie. "Ok. Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
My family is like a cactus: a bunch of pricks.
Other girls be like "I want a 6ft guy," meanwhile I want to be 6ft under.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.