Look jokes

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,

but it’s definitely up there.

Just saw a sheep fight a cow

Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

What did the Maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good looking maple tree?

"I'd tap that."

How do you make a few lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you’d look alright.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

A woman falls off of a ten story building...

...and a man on an eighth floor balcony reaches out and catches her in his arms.

"Do you fuck?", he asks.

"No!". she replied, and the man drops her.

On the sixth floor a man catches her and asks, "Do you suck?"

Again she says no and the man drops her.

On the fourth floor a man catches her and she immediately yells, "I FUCK! I SUCK!"

The man looks disgusted. "Slut!" and he drops her.

NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy

In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

Where is my wife

A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store. Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife. Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife. Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like? Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”

“Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago”.

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:

- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

The woman giggles.

- Of course I would!

- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?

The woman looks disgusted.

- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?

- That’s already been established. Now we’re just haggling about the price.

Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants...

The bartender looks over and says, "Get the fuck out of my bar, we're sick of hearing this goddamn joke."

Trump and Putin are sitting in Putin's office discussing how powerful they are.

Putin says "Watch this." He picks up the phone and says something in Russian.

A beautiful woman walks in the room, kneels in front of Putin and begins giving him a blow job.

Minutes pass, and Putin finishes. He gives the woman a tap on the head, and she stands up and walks out of the room.

Looking back at Trump, Putin asks "Do you want to try?"

Trump replies "Yeah, but please dont tap me on the head when you're done."

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.