A LADY lost her handbag..
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”
The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
A mother Chameleon was so overcome with joy when her eggs hatched that her camouflage dropped.
Looking down excitedly, she exclaimed, "I've become apparent!"
Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?
Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.
My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"
"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."
On the bright side...
We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ.
And then I thought, look what's telling me that.
My grandad just passed away...
We were really close and he was always competitive with me. No matter what game we played, tennis, cards, or even Xbox he would always try to win.
So it was only fitting that, and I’ll never forget this, on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath. He looked at me in the eyes and said...
"Staring contest... GO."
I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms..
I was about to pay for it when I heard 2 girls laughing at me.
I looked at them straight in the eye and said, "Make that 52."
Now both of them have condom balloons :D
A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.
He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.
The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!
Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".
Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says,
How do you drive this thing?
A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.
The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”
A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'
'yup'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'
'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'
'yup'
'Wow, can't turn that down.'
A good looking girl waved at me today...
but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Nephew asks how babies are made
My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
Student walks into professor's office
She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"
The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"
"I'd do *anything*," she answers coyly, playing with her hair.
"Anything?"
"*Anything*!" she repeats with a knowing grin.
"Would you....study?"
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy...
it feels good until you look down and realize you're gay.
An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says “looks like you’ve blown a seal” the Eskimo replies
“So what you f**k sheep”