A man walks into the store to buy condoms
Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?
Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.
Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
How does a cat like its steak cooked...
Raaaaaaaare.
I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
There are some sounds that everyone loves:
- Shoes on gravel - Crackling of fire - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you - Cats purring
Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.
I love throwing house warming parties
**But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.**
As a farmer, I love telling my dog sheep jokes,
But he'd herd them all.
I want to find a girlfriend who's into Star Wars
I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.
My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.
A man found a genie lamp
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules.
Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.
Man: I wish to not die a virgin
Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
Making love to a woman, is like playing a violin...
I don't know how to do it...
44% of Marriages end in divorce.
That means 56% of marriages are fatal. I love statistics.
The Holy Bible tells us to love one another.
The Kama Sutra is more specific.
I have good friends, a wife that loves me, and a family that respects me
You want me to leave that behind and take my schizophrenia medication?
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked about not upgrading to Windows 10 ?
"I still love Vista, baby".
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best.
Winter: Well you can build snowmen, and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!
Spring: Well sure but come springtime everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!
Summer: yes but I am undoubtably the overall best season, girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn what do you have to offer?
Autumn: * leaves *
I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”
Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got the right hole”