So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...
The rich guy, making small talk, goes
"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"
The poor guy goes:
"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the pantyhose, she can go fuck herself."
(Thanks Dad.)
The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..
... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.
GF: See you later, love you xxx
**Me:** love you too
**GF:** Babe, it would mean a lot to me if you'd put some X's at the end of your reply xxx
**Me:** ok, love you too Donna, Yolanda, Sharon, Vicky
What is the difference between Disney and brazzer?
Disney teaches you how to hate your step mom while Brazzer teaches you how you can show your love.
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!
A Scotsman walks into a bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."
The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.
He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I’d like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
One day during a war....
A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.
Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."
The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."
"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”
Hi Lads.
Iv'e got a load of Victoria Secret Bra sets just arrived which will make a lovely Christmas present.
If you can send me a picture of your wife's tits, I'll let you know if I have any that will fit.
Merry Christmas..
Never marry a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"
They are darn right, that field isn't hiring!
I love whiteboards
They're remarkable.
I love the smell of my F5 key.
It's so refreshing.
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”
The man replied, “There are three reasons.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”
My friends and I used to love a good game of Russian Roulette.
Unfortunately, they're a bunch of sore losers and won't play it with me anymore.
A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.
She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“
“It was 1959“, says the pilot.
"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"
Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."
Yay got a PS5 for my kid.
She cried a bit when I left but I'm sure her new parents will love her.
I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...
...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"