A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..
He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"
A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double
The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.
Go away bee, don't bother me.
A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.
Friendship: Men vs. Women
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
A man is sitting in the dock at court.
The judge asks the man for his occupation. "I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies. "And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires. "I was making a bolt for the door".
A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.
The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man
"Where's the good stuff!"
The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."
Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"
The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"
Bank on it..
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.
You have died of dissin’ Terry :(
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach!
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscle's just to keep our balance when we stand.
The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb.
On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.
He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers? The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.
Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich. The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kindest, skinniest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings. The man replys ma'am you don't understand me...I'm homesick.
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."
A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.
"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man
"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman
The man turns to his wife and says: "See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
A man misses the bus...
A man on the way home just misses the bus. He runs after it in the hope to catch it, but ends up running all the way to his home.
There he tells his wife : Honey, I did something great today. I saved 3€ by running after the bus.
She responds: Stupid you. You should have been running after the taxi instead to save even more money.
A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...
The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".
The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.
They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"
The man looked surprised.
The eyebrows said, "Thank you."
A man is walking past the mental hospital
through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.
A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket
Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on the ground in excruciating pain asks why he shot him the cop says “what was I supposed to do? you were waving a firearm!”
Give a man a gun, he will rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.