Me jokes

According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

Apparently people think that I am condescending

(that means I look down on people)

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.

I have a Czech one, too.

One too.

What do you call dynamite that do not explode?

TN'T

Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.

Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"

Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."

Mom: "Awww!"

Dad: "...Underwater."

What do boobs and the sun have in common?

You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses

When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone. I need to check something." I just look at her crazy.

I don't even let my wife do that.

How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.

The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.

A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.

He ordered them to all drop their pants. They all had injured penises but one. The king went up to this knight and said, “thank you for being so loyal to me.” The knight nodded, and replied, “Oh, ith nothing, thir.”

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.

I have no words to say how angry I am.

A blond is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died from Coronavirus.

She cried and asked, "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"

Had sex with an Asian, a black and a white in the same night.

Perks of having a Panda.

There’s no home cooking in lesbian households

only eating out

They say “Dress for the job you want.”

How do I dress like a blow job?

I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.