Me jokes

I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

Some say that we should bring back corporal punishment in schools.

I say we just shoot the little bastards like they do in America.

Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle?

In case of any night mares!

If you get seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to bed.

This will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?

Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.

Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic is when they both are.

Teacher: "‌‌Use t‌‌he w‌‌ord '‌‌centimeter' i‌‌n a‌‌ s‌‌entence"

Student: "‌‌My g‌‌randma w‌‌as a‌‌rriving a‌‌t t‌‌he t‌‌rain s‌‌tation s‌‌o i‌‌ w‌‌as c‌‌entimeter."

Teacher: "‌‌No, n‌‌o, t‌‌hat's '‌‌Sent t‌‌o m‌‌eet h‌‌er'. O‌‌kay, t‌‌ry a‌‌nother o‌‌ne. U‌‌se '‌‌contagious' i‌‌n a‌‌ s‌‌entence p‌‌lease."

Student: "‌‌I h‌‌ad t‌‌o w‌‌ait a‌‌t t‌‌he t‌‌rain s‌‌tation f‌‌or h‌‌ours b‌‌ecause i‌‌t t‌‌ook t‌‌hat c‌‌ontagious!"

OnlyFans has just announced that it is removing all pornography on october 1st.

I suggested they change their name to LonelyFans, but i dunno

Why are glasses required to do math?

because you need it for davision

I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins.

It just doesn't make cents.

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

I called up GameStop customer support

They told me to hold.

A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.

Excuse me, can I smell your pussy ?

A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?” “Certainly not!” she replies “It must be your feet then.” says the man

It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in

“Sir! Sir! The Russians...”

The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?”

The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!”

The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?”

“No, just one.”

The scientist slowly sits back in his chair. “Well next time don’t get my hopes up. Damn Russians...”

I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday

I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.

My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting "Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!". "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing, she is just having contractions."

This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules

Taiwan:I am China

China:No I am China

Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan

China:No you are China