Me jokes

I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"

By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips...

...but it's great for their calves.

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.

Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

What did the communist use before they used candles?

electricity.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

What does violent diarrhoea and a bar fight have in common?

Blood on your stool

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

I was digging in the back garden...

.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,

Until I remembered why I was digging.

How do flat earthers travel the world?

on a plane.

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.

Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

My life used to be a joke

But then I became a dad. So now it's a dad joke

(I just came up with this, so either it's terrible, or not original. Likely both.)

If someone with a toe fetish cheats on you

Does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and closed up”... “Ahhh bummer mate”, the helpline operator replied. “Oh cheers, great idea, thanks mate!” Replied Bruce... and put the ‘phone down.....

What's the difference between a joke and a repost???

...about two hours.

I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.

"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife.

She said, "Yeah..."

I said, "It's 9pm and my house."

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

If some part of your job feels utterly pointless, remember

Putin campaigned for the 2018 elections.

Baby are you HTTP?

Because I'm :// without you