Break up

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike. If the rubber breaks, you're in trouble.

A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.” The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.” The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.

After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

Break ups are the worst in China...

You see her face everywhere.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course?

Shlalom

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

There was a pretty awkward silence at the dinner table, so I decided to talk about the crashing of the titanic.

That seemed like a good way to break the ice.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

Remarry

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!

With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!”

He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

Kim Kardashians ass did not break the internet

It just left a big CRACK in it...

Breaking news: Cartoonist found dead in his own home.

The details were sketchy.

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth

After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.

After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.

"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,

"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."

A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...

...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.

-1:0 I am winning, - says the man. Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.

-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.

Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.

-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.

This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules

Taiwan:I am China

China:No I am China

Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan

China:No you are China

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Fuck you, Chelsey.

I just got a futuristic coffee maker.

It was a ground-breaking development.

Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...

The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.

The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex".

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".