Me jokes

Did you hear about the drug dealer's ghost?

He was arrested for *possession.*

I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...

It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

What do you give someone who hasn't moved their muscles in over a year?

A trophy

Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated...

Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.

A Man Has a Heart Attack on a Plane...

Stewardess: Is **anybody** here a doctor?!

Man: (Raising Hand) I'm a vegan.

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.

After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

“The cat is dead,” he replied coldly.

She cried out and said, “You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing’s dead!

No reply. The wife sighed sadly, “Anyways, how’s my mom?”

“She’s playing on the roof.”

Some last names originate from what the family did in the past...

Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons...

An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.

iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!!

Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag?

iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.

An old man doesn't feel well...

So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.

When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,

even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!

Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?

She knows she's given her last blow job.

My little brother is throwing a tantrum because we aren’t having German sausages for dinner

He’s being such a brat

Luke cage

In marvels luke cage everyone thinks that luke has super powers because he's bullet proof.

But bullet proof black people isn't a super power it's straight up evolution.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

How did the hacker escape the police?

He ransomware

What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.

I wrote a theatrical performance on puns

Really, it was just a play on words.

What do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty?

Pessimist Prime

An English man, French ,Italian and German are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"