Me jokes

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

My wife didn’t understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague.

I had to remind her it’s a shady business.

Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day

And it's even better if the uber has heated seats

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”

She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”

I got fired on the first day of my new job at the hospital

Apparently telling all the COVID patients to stay positive is not a good thing.

Neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3AM

My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3am. Can you believe it!? Luckily I was still up playing the drums.

"Anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff: "Yes"

Geoff: "Yeos"

A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.

BAA-DUMM-TSSS

I like my women like I like my wine

Eight years old and locked up in a cellar

The Masturbating Mime

Police in Paris have finally caught the elusive mime known for masturbating in public and harassing tourists. In a statement, Police Chief claims "he came quietly"

A family with a little boy is driving behind a trash truck.

Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield. To save her son‘s innocence, his mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!" To which her son replies: "Dang, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"

PSA: Vegans and Vegetarians should stop eating brown sugar immediately!

It's made out of mole asses

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!

The student has become the teacher.

What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed?

"Sheet."