Me jokes

A joke from Kyiv.

A Russian soldier calls home from Ukraine.

- Did you take Kyiv? - No. - Did you take Harkiv? - No - What did you take then? - A blender, a washing machine and two fur coats

You know what sucks?

Negative Pressure

A blonde joke.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

What's Thanos' favorite drink?

Snapple

Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?

Or am I just breadjudiced?

Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!

George W. Bush couldn't decide what country to invade next...

He says, "It seems we're stuck between Iraq and a hard place.."

What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed across the room, that means its good.

hold up

if bedbugs live in beds where do cockroaches live

Why did Karen press CTRL + ALT + DELETE?

She wanted to see the task manager...

Mario goes to court

The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”

Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”

The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”

Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”

My friend said she teaches circuit training classes..

I'll bet she's the driving force behind her students' motivation.

If lesbians don't like men, then why do they use dildos?

Because scissoring just doesn't cut it.

There's something crazy I really want to try in bed..

Getting 8 hours of sleep

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

A recent study shows that 9/10 men prefer women with big boobs.

I think the 10th one prefers the other 9.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down

Have you seen the clown at Walmart that hides from gay people?

Of course you haven't.

What did the Dried Fish say to the other Dried Fish?

Long time no Sea.

Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.