Me jokes

I saw a guy getting jumped by 4 people so I decided to step in and help...

That guy stood no chance against the 5 of us.

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers?

Because when they dance, they make it rain.

I hate when revolving doors move too fast

It's a pane in the ass

I was in bed with this redneck girl when all of a sudden her father, her brother and her boyfriend burst into the room

And boy was he mad.

So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.

Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? "

He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "

I created a new word today.

Plagiarism.

My wd-40 can rusted.

It was irony.

Why was Billy Joel's laundry still wet?

Because he didn't start the dryer

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

Two blondes are trying to unlock their car with a coat hanger.

One says, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down!"

I bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav

Total waste of money, all it ever does it tell me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

What sexual position creates the ugliest kids?

Ask your parents

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

I took the wife to a disco last night.....

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"

Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...

Is it a biography or an autobiography?

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

I'm sorry, everyone.

My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.

0 Kills

0 Assist

7 Deaths

Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation.

Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex.

Doctor- I am.