A guy arrives at a music-themed costume party and the host asks him what he is supposed to be. The guy happily shouts 'A harp'. The host pauses and then says 'I think that costume seems a little small to be a harp'.
The guy replies 'Are you calling me a lyre?'.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Roses are red,
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
What is a Karen called in Europe?
An American.
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
My pony caught a cold
He’s a little hoarse
Lost my watch at a party once.
Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
I hate it when Windows 10 resets my default browser...
It puts me on Edge every time
A week after the G7 Summit, they should have the C Major Summit
That would resolve everything.
How does a burger introduce his wife?
Meet Patty
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
Have you heard about the restaurant called karma?
There's no menu, you get what you deserve.
I called the library to try to make a reservation...
But they said they were fully booked.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....
He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.
They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
What does the word "gay" mean?
Asked a boy to his father, to which he replied, "It means happy, son".
"Are you happy the Dad?" Asked the boy
"No son, I have a wife"
At the job interview...
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in three years?
Me: Sorry, I don't have 2020 vision