Me jokes

If I had to rate our solar system

I’d give it one star

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"

A horse went into a pub every night for a week.

The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? ' " I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence. You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player.

Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.

Did you know that there was a woman with twelve breasts?

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

If you run behind a car you will get exhausted...

But if you run infront of a car you will get tired

I had a dream..

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

A toothbrush salesman at the mall

A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall. So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip. A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is. The salesman says "you really must try the dip" And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it. "Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!" The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needles'?

I don’t see the point, it’s needless.

i caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

so i had to ground him. he’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today

Congratulations Themi Lovato!

Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

What gets long when you jerk it,fits between boobs,slides in a hole and loves to be pulled?

A seat belt you pervert

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings...

I have a complex complex complex.

Having gay parents must be wild

You either get twice the "dad" jokes or an endless loop of, "go ask your mother"

So I tried catching some fog today...

I mist.

So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid

Guess that makes it Priustoric