A horse went into a pub every night for a week.
The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? ' " I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence. You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player.
Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.
Did you know that there was a woman with twelve breasts?
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
If you run behind a car you will get exhausted...
But if you run infront of a car you will get tired
I had a dream..
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
A toothbrush salesman at the mall
A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall. So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip. A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is. The salesman says "you really must try the dip" And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it. "Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!" The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needles'?
I don’t see the point, it’s needless.
i caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
so i had to ground him. he’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today
Congratulations Themi Lovato!
Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along
Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors
What gets long when you jerk it,fits between boobs,slides in a hole and loves to be pulled?
A seat belt you pervert
How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
I have a fear of overly intricate buildings...
I have a complex complex complex.
Having gay parents must be wild
You either get twice the "dad" jokes or an endless loop of, "go ask your mother"
So I tried catching some fog today...
I mist.
So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid
Guess that makes it Priustoric
It was my birthday...
Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.
Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar
They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.