Me jokes

I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life

I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

A mean teacher wanted to show his class he meant business.

So he asked, "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up." After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" Inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

My mother-in-law recently bought a talking parrot, but after a week she said she was taking it back.

"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.

"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think.....

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.

She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

What do Germans use to clean their shoes?

Polish.

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A pilot you racist fuck

Why did the cowboy have to buy a dachshund?

He had to get a long little doggy.

Hitler walks into a restaurant...

Adolf walks in to a restaurant and states, "I'm hungry!"

The owner asks, "Well, what do you want to eat?"

Hitler replies with, "As long as it's *not-sea*food, I'm sure I'll love it!"

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

We'll We'll We'll

If it isn't autocorrect

What do you call a midget having an orgasm?

A shortcoming

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

**Wife:** whatever means necessary.

**Me:** No it doesn't.

Confucius say...

Difference between camping and being homeless is intent.

Donald Trump is really a proved racist and sexist, because...

He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house...

I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.

Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.