Mind jokes

The first woman on the Moon...

"Houston, we have a problem."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"What's the problem?"

"Nothing."

"Please tell us?"

"You know what the problem is."

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."

Have you heard the joke about paper?

Never mind, it’s tearable.

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s mind once and for all.

“You see,” she told him, “he was struck by a drunk driver.”

“I wasn’t drunk.” He replied.

In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...

but then I changed my mind.

People say I'm crazy for trying to invent a mind-controlled air freshener...

but it makes scents when you think about it.

Great minds think alike...

That's why we have so many opinions in America

Wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Actually, never mind. I'll finish, you'll be thoroughly disappointed, and then I'll start crying.

My grief counselor died recently.

He was so good I really didn’t mind.

What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.

I told the doctor I didn’t want brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Are you suicide? Because you're always on my mind.

Personal Question

On Valentine's Day a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway." "Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?" "That's my business!" she snapped. "Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"

The village blacksmith was glad to have finally found an apprentice that did not mind the long hours and was willing to work hard.

He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”The apprentice did just as he was told.

And now he’s the village blacksmith.

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."

The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?

Little Tony shakes his head and says

"No, he minded his own fucking business!"

Today, I walked into a restaurant.

"Hi, is my table ready?"

"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay."

"Great, take these salads to table six then."