Happy Anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
WAR BOARDER
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."' "But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit?
I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....
I should mind my own bismuth.
An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"
I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"
Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind
Got in trouble at a gender reveal party today
Apparently pulling my pants down is not what they had in mind.
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply
A horse walks into a bar.
“Hey," says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, “My friend, you read my mind!"
I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises
That woman blows my mind
1 in 6 people...
find Russian roulette mind blowing.
Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a Saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.