A mugger
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
I recently came into a large sum of money
Now all the bills are sticking together
If I had a dollar every time I didn't know what was going on
I would be like, why am I getting all this free money?
Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
A man misses the bus...
A man on the way home just misses the bus. He runs after it in the hope to catch it, but ends up running all the way to his home.
There he tells his wife : Honey, I did something great today. I saved 3€ by running after the bus.
She responds: Stupid you. You should have been running after the taxi instead to save even more money.
Honest Guy
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks steps into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!! The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.
More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot. He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave. As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.” “That I married you only for your money.”
If having sex for money makes you a whore
then having sex for free makes you a non-profit whoreganization
A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.
They arrived today, safe and sound.
My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages....
Now we’re making money hand over fist
My grandpa's favorite joke
This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.
At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "
His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."
Mercedes for Sale @ $1
Someone put up this advertisement. No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car. The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1. She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?" The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".
Sex for Money
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.
A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"
The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"
The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."
"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"
"The coins of course."
"But which would have the greater value?"
At this moment, the man was enlightened.
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money.
You get what you paid for
So a little girl is walking on the sidewalk, a car stops and a man says "come in the car, I'll give you candy" the girl says " no, I'll walk"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll take you home, I'll give you a whole bag of chocolate" the girl says "no, I'll just walk home"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll give you a bag of toys, iPad and money" and the girld says "NO dad! YOU wanted the damn Dacia, now leave me alone!"
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fuck you Americans too!"