Money jokes

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I have ever had...

Does money even matter?

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high...

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.

She believes I’m just after my money.

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations." The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

A man hurriedly walks into a bar

Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight

BT: here you go

Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight

BT: here

Man: again, before I get into a fight

BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting

Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.

Topless carwash

So these kids in school are trying to find new ways to raise money. They suggest a few ideas, all of which are shot down by their teacher. Finally a kid says ‘I get it! We should do a topless carwash!’

Very carefully, the teacher asks: ‘what do you mean?’

The kid says, ‘well, we can’t reach the roofs of the cars, so we will just do the sides and the front and back’

A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

What will the neighbors think?

With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband: "What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the nude in the backyard?" The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like." The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?" The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."

The officer said “You’re staggering.”

I said “You’re quite handsome yourself.” We both laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow? A: A bull-dozer Q: How does a farmer count his cows? A: With a cowculator Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work Q: Why don't cows have money? A: The farmers milk them dry Q: What's a grumpy cow called? A: Moooody

Genie: What is your first wish?

Steve: I want to be rich. Genie: Wish granted. What is your second wish? Rich: I want a lot of money.

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".

Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

The Honest Thief

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.