Myself jokes

To be honest a good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero. See! That’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Want to know the secret of how I managed to quit smoking?

I decided to only smoke after sex.

What was it called when Einstein masturbated?

Stroke of genius.

A redneck sees another carrying a sheep under each arm.

So he asks him, "you shearing?" The other answers "nope, gonna fuck 'em both m'self."

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues

Only retards do that

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"

Wife: -"Yes I promise"

Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

“We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure”, the general replied.

I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

I just ate four cans of alphabet soup...

...and just had the largest vowel movement ever.

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds

I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

Say what you want about Trump...

...but he’s brought school shootings down to zero for more than an entire month.

So, I went to the doctor...

She asked "What brings you here today?"

I replied "My car."

And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."

So I asked a bunch of guys today if they would go gay for a billion dollars.

And I didn't get any straight answers.

I think my co-workers are gay

Every time I walk past them in the office, they always whisper "What an ass"

Why do lesbians prefer going to Sports Authority?

They don't like Dicks...

Today, I walked into a restaurant.

"Hi, is my table ready?"

"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay."

"Great, take these salads to table six then."

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir,

We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices.

Sincerely,

Your ISP