Myself jokes

Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants.

Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?"

Chiromancer: "Never."

Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm."

Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

Why do asian girls have small boobs?

Because only A's are acceptable.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I said ... "I drink it"

A pirate goes to a doctor

worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account...

He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.

My best friend ran away with my wife....

I miss him.

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

Being on crutches is like being a woman

People won't always take you seriously, but at least they open doors for you!

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60

Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is

A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Why are there no fat people in Japan?

Last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died.

Tinder is the opposite of porn ads...

There are actually tons of singles in my area but none of them are interested in me.

From my handwriting identification skills.

I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.

The creator of the very first knock knock joke..

Must have won a no-bell prize

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

The private stood at attention and boomed, "NO SIR!"