Myself jokes

Do you know why they buried George H. W. In Houston instead of his beloved Kennebunkport?

Because it’s way too cold for planting Bushes in Maine.. told to me by my mother

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,

"thanks for the Baghdad"

Someone drew a swastika on The Trump Tower

The police aren't sure if it's a supporter, or a hater.

My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she's ever met

"Fair enough." I said.

Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

I called Masturbators Anonymous to let them know I wouldn't be at the meeting...

...because I'm just not feeling myself today.

I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware...

... it was a whisk I was willing to take.

I had to quit my job at the Coca-Cola carbonation factory.

It was just soda pressing.

What's blue and not heavy?

Light blue.

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

Doesn't matter if you are tall or short, fat or thin, black or white, at the end of the day...

It will be night time.

How to reclose an opened bottle of champagne?

I don't know, ask Falcons fans.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best.

Winter: Well you can build snowmen, and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!

Spring: Well sure but come springtime everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!

Summer: yes but I am undoubtably the overall best season, girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn what do you have to offer?

Autumn: * leaves *

France and Italy go to war. Who wins?

Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.

-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!

-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.

-- Oh, okay!

Yo momma is so fat....

That I pictured her in my head and that bitch broke my neck...

Will glass coffins ever be popular?

Remains to be seen

If electricity follows the path of least resistance...

Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

Now! What do we want?

Time traveller jokes. When do we want them?

A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days.

"I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said.

"Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America."

"No one does. That's how it survives."