A boy walks in on his dad masturbating.
The boy, curious asks him, "Dad, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "This is called masturbating, and pretty soon you will be doing it also."
The kid, puzzled, asks, "How do you know that?"
The father goes "Because my arm is getting tired."
There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable....
Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.
I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”
Sex with a weatherman must suck.
Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches, only to find out it's not even 4.
Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud
Yes sir, it's fresh ground!
Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?
He had a PH D
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...
They would eventually find me attractive.
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
What do you call a cow pleasuring itself?
Beef Strokinoff
Special Hand Job
Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics...
You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better...
Help! I made my computer racist!
I accidentally pressed alt-right.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next vowel movement could spell disaster.
A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..
Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.
Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"
He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."
My wife just walked in on me blow drying my penis, she looked confused and asked me what I was doing. I now know heating your dinner isn't the right answer
Got in trouble at a gender reveal party today
Apparently pulling my pants down is not what they had in mind.
i have a lot of respect for trans women
that surgery takes balls!
A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor
The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze?
Invite two of them!!
Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .
He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.