Myself jokes

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny chick with big blue hair."

A friend of mine told me he'd heard about a local glory hole...

He received an anonymous tip.

What do fortnite players and olive oil have in common?

They’re both extra virgin

When I’m watching porn, I don’t care if they have big breasts, big butts or a pretty face.

I'm a jack off all traits.

What even is Atheism?

A non-prophet organization.

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

Why don't helicopters fly in the morning?

Twirly.

Magic Window

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "That window is magic. To prove it, I'll jump out." He jumps, much to the other man's horror, and plummets 20 floors only to stop and float gently back up. "Amazing, huh? Why don't you try?" The other man is dubious, but eventually decides to jump. He plummets 30 floors and smacks into the pavement. The first man is in hysterics. "You know," says the bartender, "you're a real prick when you're drunk, Superman."

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they say she was imaginary...

Well, jokes on them - they're imaginary too.

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

And I'm thinking,

"Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him.

Where do you find a Himalayan cat?

You’ll find him-a-layin on the couch

That's a nice ham you got there.

It'd be a shame if someone put an "s" before it and an "e" after it.

Wife asked me what am I doing

Me: Killing Mosquitos Wife: How many have you killed?

Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male Wife: How did you know their gender?

Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet

Two balloons were floating around a desert.

One said to the other, "look, a cactussssssssss..."

Laughing Dog

A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it. When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said: " I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film. "So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"

Why do foot fetishists always lose?

They like the taste of defeat

What do you call a pregnant woman?

A body builder

If the stork brings good babies, and the crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies?

The swallow

People are like lottery tickets.

You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.