Nephew asks how babies are made
My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".
My wife just left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
A horse walks into a bar.
“Hey," says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, “My friend, you read my mind!"
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician.
I was just sat there doing nothing.
Two countries go to war...
Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?
It was great
Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.
Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.
I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".
Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.
They say a woman's work is never done
maybe that's why they get paid less.
Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".
A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".
Three men book into a busy ski lodge
So they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job." Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream." Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!"
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex.
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
What's the difference between North Korea and Ubisoft?
North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as Ubisoft
*NSFW-ish* Two nuns
Two nun's are crossing the road when a vampire jumps out. Nun 1 turns to Nun 2 and says "Quick, show him your cross" Nun 2 turns to the Vampire and says "Oi, Fuck off!"
I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...
It was a tie...
Swinger
I like to tell people my wife was a bit of a swinger back in the day.
Sounds so much better than saying she hung herself.
If I had a dollar every time I didn't know what was going on
I would be like, why am I getting all this free money?
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...
They would call it crucifact.