Myself jokes

I debated a flat earther once

he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around, eventually.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, my fingers because I can always count on them, my head for staying on top of things, my nuts for hanging in there, and my dick for standing up for me.

I've just found an origami porn channel!

But it's paper view only :(

If you call a girl beautiful 1000 times she won't really notice. But if you call her fat once, she will never forget...

That's because elephants never forget.

I can't be doing with those pricks who knock on my door and tell me they're my saviour and if I don't listen I'll burn.

Damn Firemen.

I guess i have a nice butt

Because everytime i walk away from a conversation i hear, " what an ass ".

Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions?

Me: Can’t say that I’m surprised.

Therapist: Exactly.

My neighbors listen to some great music at night.

Whether they like it or not.

Republicans want small government

So small that it fits in your doctors office and your bedroom

How do you make antifreeze?

You take away her blanket.

From my 7 y/o

What do you call a bunch of hairdressers having a party?

A Barber-cue

i sexually identify as a donkey

my pronouns are he/haw

19 and 20 had a fight

21

An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

Why don't black people go on cruises?

They already fell for that once.

A child asked Santa Claus

“How did your reindeer get their names?”

Santa replied, “I named them after memories, like pranced frolicking through the snow!”

“What about Donner?” the child asked.

A shadow settled on Santa’s face, and after a moment he began: “The year was 1847, and snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada ....”

Ugh. They stopped selling "skin color" Crayons.

I guess I can still draw people when my Crayons run out, but albino more.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron.

Which is ironic.

Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire

...on average.

Sinking Ship...

A pediatrician, a lawyer, and a priest were on the Titanic while it was going down. The pediatrician said "Save the children!" The lawyer said "Fuck the children!" To which the priest replied "Do we have time?"