Myself jokes

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it. Husband raises eyebrows. Wife: You shut up!

People who are afraid of pedophiles

Need to grow up

How do you talk with a COVID denier

with an Ouija board

I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:

"Back in my day, it was Monday".

I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"

Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he's bored?

He racism.

Justice is a dish best served cold...

If it were served warm, it would be just water.

Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though.

A southern girl and a northern girl meet.

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

I'm Jealous of my imaginary friend because he has a real friend

Can we cool it with the Epstein jokes already people? I mean christ, the man had children.

Locked in his basement.

For an old man's 98th birthday,

his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Grampa says "Since I aint had a hard on in 10 yrs, I guess I'll have to settle for the soup"

I went to a gender reveal party.

It wasn't quite what I thought it would be.

My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.

They say alcohol cures everything, but that's a lie...

It still hasn't cured my alcoholism.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cuz you’re blocking the TV

What did Elon Musk say to Grimes before they made X Æ A-12?

i 1 2 1⁄2 6

A guy finally gets up the courage to go see a doctor about his four testicles.

Doctor says, "You have a lot of balls coming in here"

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.