Myself jokes

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

To show a deer how it's done.

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

Did you hear about the librarian that was killed in an earthquake?

She was crushed by a title wave.

I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents

It's a gift.

Trump and Putin are sitting in Putin's office discussing how powerful they are.

Putin says "Watch this." He picks up the phone and says something in Russian.

A beautiful woman walks in the room, kneels in front of Putin and begins giving him a blow job.

Minutes pass, and Putin finishes. He gives the woman a tap on the head, and she stands up and walks out of the room.

Looking back at Trump, Putin asks "Do you want to try?"

Trump replies "Yeah, but please dont tap me on the head when you're done."

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

What do you call a boy who finally stood up to his bullies?

An ambulance.

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked me if I fancied taking part in a marathon

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, fuck me, I might win this

A slice of pie costs $3.50 in Barbados,

$3.00 in Saint Lucia, $2.50 in Belize, and $2 in Cuba.

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

What do you call a bass player without a GF?

Homeless.

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"

His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."

The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"

What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?

Sparky

Does sex count?

Doctor: “Do you do sports?” Patient: “Does sex count?” Doctor: “Yes.” Patient: “Then no.”