Myself jokes

A Genie grants a wish.

I met a magical Genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you.

The Genue saud, "Weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit?

I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

Three Nuns sitting on a park bench

When a man runs up and flashes them.

Two of them have a stroke... The other one can't reach.

What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?

A ginger bred man.

why does a milking stool only have three legs

because cows have the udder

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

How do we know 9/11 wasn't a government plot?

Because it worked.

Job Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I guess my biggest weakness is I am not always a good listener

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

Why don't Natzis participate in triathlons?

Because they hate mixed races.

What happened when the car took LSD?

It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!

Which haircut would cost you the most?

Chemotherapy

My wife said if this post gets 100 upvotes, she’ll lose her anal virginity tonight.

Please don’t upvote, she’s on a business trip until next week.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

How ungrateful people are

My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!

Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?

Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.

Me: Yeah, that’s the one.

If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues

Then look no father

A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."

The husband begins packing his bags.

"What are you doing?" asked the wife.

"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."

What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

A toad says “ribbit ribbit” and a horny toad says “rubbit rubbit”.