Once jokes

I got a temporary tattoo

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.

Did you hear about the paperboy who masturbated on the job?

It was all over the news!

(Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)

What do you say when your English teacher is crying?

"There, their, they're".

My deaf sibling asked if i wanted to hear a joke

I replied “sure”

They said “me too”

I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

my daughter is 3. her joke about spiders:

Spiders make Websites.

she's not wrong.

The man that invented throat lozenges died last week...

There was no coffin at the funeral.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A "Pi"-thon.

(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)

A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts

What do you call particularly complex stairs?

Stairs with extra steps.

Me: I’m terrified of the song ‘I Want it That Way’

Therapist: Tell me why?

Me: **screams**

1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

How do you cook alligator meat?

In a croc pot!

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass a bar.

(Credit to my Grandma’s friend)

The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.

When asked "Why didn't you laugh?" He responded " I don't work here"

Why cant miss piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

How do you make a hormone?

You pay her.

(This was told at my pharmacy school. We laughed and then felt shame afterwards.)

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" the confused host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a load of rubbish!" the host says. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"