Once jokes

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment.

Gifted child!

My parents always said I was a gifted child. Turns out they meant someone left me on their doorstep in a box.

Wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Actually, never mind. I'll finish, you'll be thoroughly disappointed, and then I'll start crying.

I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria

Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell

A Man and a Giraffe walk into a bar...

They sit down and order shot after shot after shot. Eventually, the giraffe passes out falling off his stool. As the man gets up to leave, the bartender says "hey you can't just leave that lyin' there!" The man responds, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?

Anything you want. He can't hear you!

Clock Shop

So a guy walks into a clock shop and whips out his dick. The young lady working the counter tells him, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop." So the man says, "Well put two hands and a face on it."

STDs are a lot like Pokemon...

It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Eeeeee....

What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

Saw two elementary students get in a fistfight so as an adult I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance

Genie: You have 3 wishes

...but no wish for more wishes, more genies, or more lamps, ha!

Me (being a smartass): I wish you were reaaaaally bad at counting.

Genie: Sure boy, you have zero wishes left.

What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun only has one trigger.

A Man Walks into His Home

He calls out to his wife, "Honey, why are there two broken condoms sitting on the couch?"

His wife replies, exasperated, "For the last time, can you please call our children by their actual names?"

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see. "I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs." That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

What is brown and sticky?

My Beyoncé calendar

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

In a lesbian relationship, which one makes the sandwiches?

Neither. They eat out.

I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.