Dad explained the difference between theory and reality.
Dad told me to ask mom if she would sleep with the neighbor for one million dollars. Mom said she would. Dad then told me to ask my sister if she would sleep with the neighbor for one million dollars. Sis said she would. Dad said right. In theory, we are sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we are living with two whores.
What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?
One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!
"Three gulag inmates are telling each other what they’re in for. The first one says: 'I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage.'
The second says: 'For me it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage.'
The third one says: 'I got to work right on time, and they charged me with harming the Soviet economy by acquiring a watch in a capitalist country.'"
When it comes to dealing with stress, studies suggest masturbation is twice as effective as sex
So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush
Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter
Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?
Scientist two: it's -40°
Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Scientist two: Yes.
What do lesbians and politicians have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit
A kid is selling lemonade...
The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade. "25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢... Maybe lemonade stands aren’t your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.
What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
About one U.S Leader.
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.
Dog walks into a telegraph office...
Says he wants to send a message.
"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"
"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."
Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".
Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense.."
3 nuns are flashed by a pervert in a trench coat
2 of them had a stroke. The other one didn’t want to touch it.
Gender roles are changing. Nowadays some women get mad when you hold a car door open.
Particularly the ones on bikes.
One minute you're young and fun...
The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.
Paddy got a job as a lumberjack
but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?
How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.
Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
What is the most common use for pig skins?
To keep the pig in one piece.
If a man opens the car door for his wife
You can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.
Father’s Day Presents..
5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....
Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......
Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep
Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
Mom:...but who will sleep with your 3 wives
Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son !
*Happy Father’s Day!*
I asked my wife if i was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".