Opposite

A young adult named Bob enters a confessional

Bob: “Forgive me father, for I have sined.”

Priest: “It’s pronounced ‘sinned’, but that’s unimportant, what have you done?”

Bob: “I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle”

Coffee

When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.

Really? I have the exact opposite.

Wow, seriously?

Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

What is the opposite of progress?

Congress

What is the opposite of ladyfingers?

Mentos!

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

Who is the greatest?

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all

BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest

VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest

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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!

After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp.

Turns out it was a cagey bee.

Tinder is the opposite of porn ads...

There are actually tons of singles in my area but none of them are interested in me.

"Three gulag inmates are telling each other what they’re in for. The first one says: 'I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage.'

The second says: 'For me it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage.'

The third one says: 'I got to work right on time, and they charged me with harming the Soviet economy by acquiring a watch in a capitalist country.'"

What is the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

What's the opposite of a microwave?

A tsunami.

What's the opposite of a waterfall?

A firefly!

I will now leave.