Other jokes

Ten years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny

I accidentally took my cat's medication...

Don't ask meow.

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters.

"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"

"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."

The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?

Little Tony shakes his head and says

"No, he minded his own fucking business!"

There’s no such thing as a virgin bird.

They’ve all been laid at least once.

It’s not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.

It has literally kept me alive for years.

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need...

Not all this, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!" nonsense.

A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”.

I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

Buisness

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: No!

Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.

Son: Then okay.

Dad goes to Bill Gates...

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates: No!

Dad: My son is the CEO of World Bank.

Bill Gates: Then okay.

Dad goes to the President of the World Bank...

Dad: Appoint my son as CEO.

President: No!

Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.

President: Then ok.

This is BUSINESS

My dad fell into an upholstery machine last week.

He’s fully recovered now.

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, the house will be empty."

I did a suprise bukkake party for my wife...

Everybody came. You should have seen her face!

I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Unbelievable

A policeman knocked at my door.....

I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."

I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."

I’m reading a horror novel in Braille

Something bad is about to happen....I can feel it