A rope walks into a bar...
And orders and drink. The bartender says," We don't serve ropes here." So the rope goes outside, frays his ends, and ties himself into a knot. He comes back in and once again orders a drink. The bartender says,"Aren't you that rope I just turned down?" To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
After the delivery
(Pls....just let me go and don't hurt my family)
What's the difference between 9/11 and your birth?
One was planned.
Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China
The sex position 69 will now be called 96
This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts to
What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?
No ballroom
Racial Humor
An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"
He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."
Move to the left!
"A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".
All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.
The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked," How come your wife can't control you?"
The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move".
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
I've been dropping a lot of things lately...
It's really getting out of hand
Why do Jewish men get circumcised?
because Jewish women won't accept anything unless it has at least 20% off.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this June!”
I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!
Uvalde citizen gets pulled over
A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."
The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have balls."
I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.
I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"
A kindergarten teacher is teaching her class about animals...
She would hold ip a picture of the animal and the class would cry out in unison.
COW!
SHEEP!
When the teacher got to the deer the class was clueless.
"It has horns" She said
But the class was silent
"Sometimes your mom calls your dad this animal"
Little timmy throws his hands up and shouts, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?!"
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
What does someone walking a tightrope have in common with a guy getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman?
Both guys are thinking “Don’t look down, just don’t look down”.