Other jokes

Donald Trump is really a proved racist and sexist, because...

He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house...

I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.

Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

A husband and wife sit in their bed.

The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.

A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel...

They stand in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager comes out of his office and asks them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they move off. "Because," he says, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover

Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover

What do you call it when a kid teaches their parents?

Learning from your mistakes.

I hope England beats Iceland...

Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

I just came on my phone’s screen and it didn’t unlock

So much for facial recognition

Did you hear about the 7' NBA star who married a blonde midget?

He was nuts over her.

I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.

When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....

He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.

Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”

The officer said “You’re staggering.”

I said “You’re quite handsome yourself.” We both laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...

Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

Why can't you starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there.

"Allegedly Trump gave Russians intelligence "

I wonder how much he had in the first place and how much he is left with.